Me against myself: An antidote to internal chaos

1. It has nothing to do with how good you are (usually)

Remember, I'm not talking about external competition. I've found that even the greatest, most talented and most revered of us feel this way. In his talk with Pst. Steven Furtick on his book, "Don't drop the mic", Bishop TD Jakes shares his experience as a minister. He draws examples from times when he preached a sermon that blessed so many people, but got off the platform and replayed the whole thing, thinking about what he should and shouldn't have said.

Another example, which actually inspired me to write this. You may have heard of the Kazakh singer, "Dimash Kudaibergen". I have attached his performance of "Opera 2" on the Chinese singing competition, ‘I am a singer’ 2017 for your reference. He might have one of the widest vocal ranges in the world. In general, he's so good he’s almost alien. In a video, he was paid a surprise visit by a close friend and father figure, "Terry Lin" - a great singer who was also a contestant at the competition. Terry says he wants to stay behind and listen to his recording. Dimash (or Xiao Di, as Terry calls him) is suddenly very nervous and shy. Terry reminds him of how phenomenal he thinks he his, but Dimash proceeds to comment that he's not that good and says when he listens to his first performance on "The singer", he feels it doesn't sound good. At this point, I felt I needed a stick to wack Dimash in the head. I was like..what?? Are you crazy? Then my thoughts spiralled off on a journey down memory lane; recalling great people who had said precisely the same thing and felt exactly the same way. So if even these people have such thoughts, I figured ‘Praise’ won't be going away anytime soon.

2. You can’t see you

I've heard this a lot and it's a real mind-opener. We are structured in such a way that we see everyone, but ourselves. And that vision is not just physical, but mental. We are able to notice others grow and improve. See them do well and applaud them for it. On the other hand, we spend every waking hour with ourselves and every progress we make is usually marginal. The result - it's much easier to pick up a fault that an improvement. Moreover, we're so used to our talents, skills, knowledge or whatever it is we do; we feel it's the norm and no matter what we achieve, we suddenly realise that our inner competition is still better in one way or another.

3. Friend or foe? It depends

Here's the thing with "Praise", she's not necessarily my enemy. Friend or Foe, it usually depends on how you manage it. If we didn't have any inner competition at all, our attitudes would border on arrogance. The inner competition, just like its external counterpart, keeps us in check and pushes us to do better. It tells us there's a greater version of ourselves yet to be discovered. Still in his interview with Steven Furtick, Bishop Jakes explains this excellently well. He says that the inner voice doesn't need to disappear, but needs to be toned down - just loud enough to keep pushing you, but not so loud that it makes you constantly doubt yourself.

We live in a competition-driven world. From primary school to university to our work places, we find ourselves; in one way or another drawn into an endless race. First, we're aiming to be better, then we're aiming to be better than better...and the list goes on. You would think that this stormy external competition would be fierce enough to occupy us entirely, but no! We have an even greater competitor; one who is almost always certainly unbeatable! That is none other than OURSELVES.

Since I don't know much about your inner competitor or how great he/she is, I'll tell you about mine. Her name is Praise Eromosele; we're exactly the same age and look pretty much the same. The major difference between us is that she's better than me...at everything! She's a greater singer and song-writer, a fantastic communicator, able to perfectly compartmentalise 10 to-dos in her brain and not get a single thing mixed up, not to mention she has a better sleeping schedule and a more intimate relationship with God.

Very often, I conclude a conversation and replay the whole thing over ten times, imagining how "Praise" would have said it (like I said, she's an excellent communicator). I sing a song, give a speech and when I listen to it, I hear Praise say "That's terrible! I would have done a better Job". She's oh so persistent and never fails to point out every single one of my mistakes.

I may not have met your "competition", but I guess they bear a striking similarity to Praise - for a majority of people. They may not possess the same skillset, but they're equally persistent and know just how to get us down from whatever high horse we're riding on. You do something and everyone says you did great, but you're replay it in your head and you come to the conclusion that you did terribly. I was plagued by this for a long, long time. At a point, I lost all confidence in singing, writing or doing any of the things I wanted to do; because they never seemed to measure up to what Praise would do. So in case you're on of those fighting with their inner competition, there are few things you might want to know. 

What can you do about it?

You could get a new pair of eyes. I most certainly do not mean that literally! What I mean is that since we can't see ourselves, we need someone to do that for us. But this can be tricky. This "someone" has to be trustworthy. They must be people who sincerely love you, are aware of your capabilities and are also honest enough to tell you the truth. The idea is not getting them to tell you what you can and can't do, but to help keep a check on the voice in your head. They know when you've done great, but could have done better based on your current level. They also know when you've truly outdone yourself. They're not always easy to come by, but with some intentionality, we might find them among friends and/or family

Over the years, I've been blessed with various amazing "eyes" and I'm so grateful. Ultimately, you must personally be willing to acknowledge your growth and be patient with yourself while maintaining persistence. No amount of talk from others can help if you refuse to acknowledge yourself. Celebrate your little and great successes. Life is a beautiful journey of up and down, and that's what makes it fun!

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